Loss
by Jynx98
Summary: Set in and after LOSS... Olivia realizes she loves Alex when its to late to do anything... the rating went up because of language...CHAPTER TWO UP!
1. 1?

NOTE FROM AUTHOR: this is my first story. I've been hesitant to post , but here it is. Most of the dialogue will sound familiar because I took them from the script from Loss ( I give full credit to the writers of the Loss Script and any other script I use THEY ARE NOT MY WORDS there now no problem about plagiarism) UH...I suck at grammar and somewords are spelled wrong i apologize i have mild dislexia so i get the letters confused and i type way to fast to that doesnt help either.I hope you enjoy my story if not then tell me. Thank you.

DISCLAMER: I do NOT own any of these characters; they are all from the wonderful mind of Dick Wolf and his people. Meredith Cabot and possible a few other characters are mine, but feel free to use them. ENJOY PLEASE REVIEW.

AND HERE IS THE STORY…

* * *

"Hey Alex can we get you a cab?"

"No, I'm not far. I'll walk. Thanks, though. Look, I'm sorry I'm such a buzz kill."

"Oh, don't be silly. It's late."

I knew I should have been paying more attention. Alex was still at risk and I dropped my guard around her. Elliot and I were too busy trying to persuade her to take a cab home that we didn't even notice a dark SUV pull up next to us. When I saw the guy pull out a gun, and the only thing I could think about was protecting Alex. We dropped to the ground, bullets were flying. I was praying that she would be ok. That we would be ok.

Some where next to me I hear Elliot yell "Get down!"

Then the gunman yells to the driver and the car speeds away.

Elliot gets up and starts running after the SUV, while I look around for Alex.

I finally see her lying on the ground and I rush over to her.

"Alex."

Oh God she's been shot, she's hurt.

"No. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Somebody call an ambulance! Call 911 now! Alex. Its okay, Alex. Alex, look at me."

I lay my hands over her wound. Her blood runs between my fingers. There's so much blood. I can't stop it all.

"It's okay, sweetie. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me, Alex. They're coming right now."

I hardly notice Elliot's back until he's standing right in front of me. I continue putting pressure on her wound hoping praying that an ambulance would get her soon.

"You're gonna be okay. Alex, you're gonna be okay. Look at me. You're gonna be just fine. You're gonna be just fine. Now, just stay with me."

I look up at Elliot, tears rolling down my face my heart breaking more every minute she's in pain. He is crying too… I turn my attention back to Alex hoping she can hear me and knows that she's going to be ok…

"Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex. It's okay. Look at me. Look at me."

It's been two days since the shooting...since Alex died everyone at SVU is still in shock. I can still feel her blood running between my fingers. Hear the gun shots ring through the air. I haven't slept in two days; I know Elliot hasn't either because we've both been at the station since we came back from the hospital. I kept telling him to go home to his family, hug his kids, kiss his wife, get clothes anything to get out of the crib, but he knows how much I'm hurting and refuses to leave me alone.

The night Alex died I lost the biggest thing in my life next to Elliot. I lost the love of my life Alexandra Cabot. I realized I was in love with her a few years ago and had never considered having a serious relationship with anyone until I met Alex. She stole my heart and when she died she took it with her. In the hospital I screamed and yelled. I cried until my eyes had no more tears left. I was psychically and emotionally spent. Elliot had to hold me up when the doctor told us that they lost her. Elliot has been aware of my sexual preferences for years. There are just some things you can't keep from someone if they need to trust you with their life. So when I reacted this way he understood why.

* * *

It was so quiet in the squad room today. Quieter that it had been in years. We were all sitting we were all sitting in silence looking at the front pageof the Ledger. Alex's picture was on the cover, with the headline,_ "No leads on slain A.D.A.". _I was even considering turning in my badge right then until Cragen came out of his office and started a conversation about the Richmond case. As we were talking a messenger came in and handed Captain a note.

"Well, isn't that nice."

"What Cap?" Munch responds.

"Rafael Zapata Gaviria was found dead in a holding cell awaiting a hearing. No witnesses."

"There goes Velez's extradition." Fin states.

"I long for the old days when the government would just send in the Delta Force assassination squad." Trust Munch to make a comment at a time like this.

Captain Cragen turns to Elliot and I, as Fin and Munch continue talking.

"DEA Agent Hammond wants to see you guys tonight-" He says as he hands me a piece of paper, "- there is the address'

"What for?" my partner ask the question that was on the tip of my tongue.

"Something about closing the case."

Great, we haven't had enough grief from him about Tim Donovan getting killed; this guy needs to rip open the barely closing scars over Alex's murder. I swear to god if he even gets on my nerves, just a little bit and I will make him regret asking to see us.

We pull up at a deserted lot to see a caravan of black SUVs. As we get out of the car Agent Hammond walks over to us. He walks us to a black SUV and tells us to wait.

"What's this" I ask

"Sorry, only way to do this."

"Do what?"

"Wouldn't take no for an answer. Real pain in the ass, this one"

As a Marshal opens the door, we stare in shock as Alex steps out of the car.

"Oh my god…Alex?"

"I am so sorry about all of this." Are the first words out of her mouth.

I know I'm crying. I would have to be an idiot not to. The love of my life died in my arms and now… she's alive?

"Your funeral's tomorrow", I whisper.

Agent Hammond makes this the opportune time to try and piss me off, "And you're both expected to attend. For the time being, Ms. Cabot's better off dead. If Velez can get to Zapata, he can get to her."

"Witness protection." Elliot decides to state the obvious.

I'm still standing there in shock. There is so much I want to say to her and all I can do is stand there and stare at her.

Finally I make words come out of my mouth, "How long?"

She makes eye contact with me, and we have a silent conversation. I show her the love in my eyes and I think I can see it in hers. I want to reach over and hold her, kiss her, and never let her go. Most of all I want to get in that SUV with her and have them take us away, but I can't do that to El. It wouldn't be fair. So instead of saying something to her. I wait for her to answer. She shrugs obviously not knowing the answer. She could be gone for days, weeks, month, even years. She could never come back.

A radio crackles behind us, and that breaks the connection.

"We're on the move. Sorry, folks. Move them out." Says one of the marshals.

I look at Alex again. My eyes pleading her to stay. For her to take me with her. She looks at me the same way. Yet she turns around and gets back in the car.

She looks at us one more time, tears in her eyes, she nods to the marshals before they close the door and drive away.

Elliot and I stand there for god knows how long. He looks over at me and sees that I'm crying. I look at him and start to speak, but I am at a loss for words.

"….El…..Hel...p" was the last thing I remember saying before I blacked out.

* * *

The next day Elliot, Fin, Munch, Captain, and I as well as over 100 people went to Alex's funeral. In the church, the squad and I sat with Mrs. Cabot in the first row. There were a few speakers who went up to say nice things about Alex. Mrs. Cabot, myself, Captain Cragen, DA Arthur Branch, and a few other people who knew Alex over her wonderful life. Elliot and I stood at attention when it was time to move from the church to the cemetery. Before El and I knew she was still alive, we had agreed to be pallbearers so when Agent Hammond told us we had to continue our actions as if she was actually dead we stood next to the casket ready to carry "Alex" to her final resting ground. As we picked up the casket, actual tears rolled down my cheeks. It felt like Alex was actually gone, because in a way she was. I may never see her again. I may never get to tell her how much I love her or hold her or make love to her. We set the casket down and took our seats with Mrs. Cabot. The funeral progressed and eventually everyone went to the wake at Mrs. Cabot's home. The squad and I stayed after the wake was over and helped her clean up. When we were finished we left one by one. First Munch, then Fin, Cragen and as Elliot and I were getting ready to leave Mrs. Cabot asked me to stay and talk. I was never formally introduced to Alex's mother but I stayed with her and waved bye to El.

"Mrs. Cabot-.."

"Olivia-..."

We both tried to speak at the same time...

"Go ahead"

"Olivia, the reason I asked you to stay is because I wanted to talk with you about Alexandra. She was such a stubborn child, always breaking rules, never taking no as an answer, but one thing she learned from her father before he passed away was that once she made up her mind nothing could change it."

"Mrs. Cabot I don't see how this cou-ld…"

"Olivia, first I would like you to call me Meredith you were Alexandra's closest, friend, in a long time no need to be formal around me, second I'm telling you this because Alexandra had made up her mind… about you."

I sat there mouth open eyes wide.

"Alex, she uh…Alex uh…HUH?"

She chuckles softly, "my dear Olivia, my daughter was 100 completely infatuated with you, and I can tell from you reaction that you loved her too."

"Wow Mrs. Cabot-"..."Meredith"… "Meredith I just…I'm at a loss for words…I just I never thought I would be having this conversation with you. But it is true I did, I do, love your daughter very much, and I will love her forever. She was the best thing in my life, I can't believe that's she's gone and I will never get to tell her how much I love her."

By then I had tears in my eyes because I knew what I was saying was true. I may never get to tell her how much I love her, and now that I know she's alive and loves me back it's twice as hard.


	2. 2?

NOTE FROM AUTHOR: Most of the dialogue will sound familiar because I took them from some of the SVU scripts, ( I give full credit to the writers of the SVU Scripts...THEY ARE NOT MY WORDS there now no problem about plagiarism) UH...I suck at grammar and somewords are spelled wrong i apologize i have mild dislexia so i get the letters confused and i type way to fast to that doesnt help either.I hope you enjoy my story if not then tell me. Thank you.

DISCLAMER: I do NOT own any of these characters; they are all from the wonderful mind of Dick Wolf and his people. Meredith Cabot and possible a few other characters are mine, but feel free to use them. ENJOY PLEASE REVIEW. THIS IS FEMSLASH..F/F IF IT MAKES U UNEASY THEN DO NOT READ...THANK YOU

AND HERE IS THE STORY…

* * *

Mrs. Cabot and I sat in the living room and talked about Alex for hours. I learned so much about the beautiful mystery that was…is…Alexandra Marie Cabot. We talked about Alex from birth to death. I learned that she had two horses named Roosevelt and Kennedy. She loved animals. She was a great cook and was destined from birth to become a lawyer. She absolutely loved red roses but not pink roses. At one point in college she was engaged to a young man who was in law school, but broke it off when she realized she wanted to focus on her career first. Her whole life was almost written when she was born. She was destined to follow in her fathers footsteps, and when she realized that people would only ever see her as Alexander Cabot's daughter she decided to make a name for herself. Breaking off from becoming a defense lawyer, like her father, she changed her classes and started becoming a prosecutor. Mrs. Cabot told me about Alex's dreams of becoming DA, getting married, and having children, and my heart broke. When I finally left Mrs. Cabot's home I knew more about Alex than I ever dreamed I would know. I fell even more in love with her at that very moment.

* * *

Eventually life must go on, because when Monday came around again we were all back at work trying to suppress our emotions enough to get through the day. 

"Benson Stabler, we got a case, A baby was found in a swear drain. Get down there."

Great another baby case just what I needed my first day back. Elliot and I spent a long couple of days working on that case, until we found a solid lead. I talking to the suspect's wife about the baby that we think her husband killed when I opened a drawer and pulled out a box full of chemicals.

"You have no idea what I've been through. He lied to protect me." Mrs. Wolcott stated.

"Mmm-hmm. Did your husband ever bring his work home with him?" I retorted.

"No."

"No? Then what are these?"

"I don't know."

Out of no where someone speaks up.

"They look like pharmaceuticals to me. It's in the warrant, bag it."

"Who the hell are you?" Great just what we need another know-it-all rookie on scene.

Before she can answer my partner comes around the counter and answers for her.

"That's our new A.D.A"

"Casey Novak, Olivia Benson. Olivia this is Casey Novak." El shoots me an apologetic glance and as I'm about to say something along the lines o, what the fuck are you doing here, she interrupts me.

"Do I know you?" she asks.

"Yeah, shortstop, cops' team. Come here." El responds as he drags her away from me before I express my feelings about our new A.D.A.

"What are you doing here?" El asks.

"It's my case" says Novak

"It's not your job. We're the detectives." I snapped.

"And I'm very hands-on. I like to see my cases through from beginning to end." She retorts.

El can see that I'm about to blow, so he quickly tries to smooth things over.

"Well, things are being handled just fine here."

Obviously not taking the hint she says, "Great. Tell you what? Let me take a quick sweep, and then we can go to the crime scene together."

Oh Jesus, can't this bitch get a clue.

"It's already been processed." I am so close to grabbing her by the hair and smacking her against the wall.

"Not by me."

The rest of the day was just crap. She proceeded to follow us around like a little puppy dog, putting her two-cents in every chance she could. She even followed us to the squad room and continued to make a fool of herself in front of the rest of the Squad.

Eventually the case was solved after a few twists and turns and we were on to new cases. Elliot did his best to keep Novak away from me. If she would come in, he would immediately offer her coffee or something to keep her away from me.

* * *

At work I was suppose to be O.K. I hid all my emotions and focused solely on the cases that would come in. At home I was a mess; the apartment was in serious need of a maid. Empty beer bottles and take-out containers were thrown around the living room. I had recently taken up residence on my couch, only going in to my room when I needed clothes. I started rejecting the guy's offers to go out after work, and started sitting alone at home drinking alcohol to make the hurt go away. 

One weekend, a week or so after Alex left I was sitting alone at my apartment staring blankly at the television with a bottle of Jack Daniels in my hand when my phone rings. Up until now I had completely ignored the phone and the messages. I knew Elliot was calling me a lot, Cragen must have called at least once, yet for some reason I listened as the answering machine picked up.

"Hi you've reached Olivia Benson. I'm not here right now. Please leave a message at the tone. Have a great day. Bye"…Beep…

"Um...Hello Olivia, I wasn't sure if I had dialed the correct number but I guess I did… this is Meredith Cabot, um…Alexandra's mother… I was going over some of Alex's legal papers, her will and such and I came across some things that may interest you. If you would please call me back I would like to maybe meet for lunch or something similar to that if your not to busy. Please call me at 555-0165. I look forward to hearing from you. Bye."

My ears perked up when she said stuff about me, and I was about to call her back but decided against it because I wasn't ready to face her. Instead I sunk further in to the couch and took a swig of Jack.

By Sunday, I was so trashed I hadn't moved from the couch unless I had to get more alcohol or go to the bathroom. I hadn't changed my clothes or showered in 3 days. My breath was foul and I hadn't eaten since I had lunch with Elliot on Thursday. I had yet to call Meredith, Elliot or Cragen back and there was an earsplitting knocking coming from somewhere in my head. I sat up slowly when I heard someone yelling through the door. Afraid my neighbors would call the cops I walked to the door, unsure of whom it was or even that time it was I flung the door open. When I saw Elliot standing on the other side I turned around, leaving the door open, and shuffled back to the couch. Grabbing the almost empty bottle of vodka on the floor and flopping on the couch while taking a swig I croaked out, "what the fuck do u want?" Damn, it hurt to talk but I guess not saying a word for 3 days would mess up your throat.

"Jesus, Liv, what the hell happened here?"

"Nothing, I was just enjoying my vacation? Again what the fuck are you doing here?"

"I was worried…" he kicked at a pizza box and watched as a few bottle rolled out of it… "And I guess I had a right to be. This is disgusting"

"Hey listen buddy…"I say slurring my words a little. "… I don't come into your home unannounced and tell you how disgusting it is. That's just not p…po…polit...Not cool!"

"Yeah whatever Olivia. Well now that I'm here I'm going to help you."

He walked over to me and grabs the bottle of vodka from me.

"Hey give that back I wasn't finished with it!"

"Oh yes you were. Now you're going to get your butt in the bathroom, peal those filthy clothes off of yourself, and hop in the shower."

"The hell I am. You don't control me I'm a grown woman."

"...who is acting like a child... Now get in the bathroom!"

By the time I got out of the shower and got dressed in clean clothes, Elliot had cleaned the apartment and taken out the trash. He put the blankets my laundry hamper and emptied out all my beers and bottles of alcohol that I had grown to know and love over the weekend. Elliot made me soup and we sat on the couch and talked. We sat there for hours talking about this weekend but mainly we talked about Alex. I told him how much it hurt to lose Alex, how much I love her and how my heart was ripped out when she left. I told him about the conversation Mrs. Cabot and I had and about her message on my answering machine. I cried on his shoulders and begged him to leave me alone, but he just held on to me as sobs racked my already exhausted body. Sometime later I cried myself to sleep in his arms. When I awoke he was on the phone with someone, my suitcase was by the door and my jacket was thrown over the back of the chair. I couldn't really make out what he was saying but I figured he didn't want me to hear it because he was whispering. I let my self drift back to sleep only to be awakened a little while later.

"Liv? Livia wake up. Come on I'm gonna take you to my house for a little while."

I mumbled a few illiterate words and just slumped into his arms as he helped me up. We walked down the stairs to his car and then drove away. I remember waking up long enough to get out of the car and walk through a warm room before popping what I assumed were sleeping pills and crashing on something soft.

* * *

I awoke a later in a dark room. My clothes were changed from the jeans I had put on after my shower to a large t-shirt and flannel pants. Neither of which were mine. As I sat up and looked around I saw toys piled in the corner of the room, a full entertainment system complete with an Xbox, and a stairwell up to a door. I got up off the pull out couch bed and walked to the stairs. On the wall next to the stairs was a picture of Elliot and his family. 

Great, El must have brought me to his house when I passed out. There wasn't a clock down here do I carefully and quietly walked up the stairs only to open the door and see that it was daytime. I heard someone in the kitchen so I start walking towards there.

"…Yes, El she was still asleep when I last checked on her. Yea I hope she's ok too. It's a tragedy what happened to Alex and now Olivia, god what is this world coming to. What should I tell her when she wakes up? Ok…mhm…yea…tell her the guys say hi? Ok...any messages from Don? A few days off? Ok. Don't worry I'll take good care of her for you. Be safe sweetie. I love you too. Bye."

"Hey Kathy" I walk in and lean against the door way.

"Morning Liv, how u feeling?"

"Ugh my head hurts, my stomach hurts, my pride hurts, and my heart feels like it has been ripped out…other than that I'm just tired."

She gives me a sad smile. "Well head and stomach I can help with." She says as she hand me a piece of toast and some Tylenol. "As for your pride and heart, I can only offer an ear if you want to talk about it. El's at work and he told me to tell you that the guys say 'hi' and they will be ok until you get better. Don said that you are now on a week of paid leave, and he offered up some company if u need anyone to talk to. And as for here, the kids are at school, I'm gonna be about if you need anything. Just make yourself comfortable."

I set down my toast on the counter and reach for her.

"Thank you Kathy. So much. I know I'm intruding in your home. So I'll just stay down stairs out of your way." I say as I give her a hug.

I was never really close with Kathy up until about a year ago. My mother had just died and I was looking for someone who wasn't Elliot to talk to, and she was looking for someone to talk to about Elliot. We ended up meeting for coffee and spend the day just talking. I told her about my infatuation with Alex and she told me about her worries over Elliot's job. When we parted at the end of the day I promised her that I wound protect Elliot with my life and she told me that she would always be there for me. We never really went out again after that. Once or twice over the next year, but I still felt like I was intruding on her space in her home.

"Nonsense Liv, you know you're always welcome here." She said with a smile.

"Thank you. Um…I need to make a phone call but I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Alright. Take your time."

I went back down stairs and grabbed my cell phone. As I dialed up Mrs. Cabot's number I flopped back down onto the bed.

"Good Morning Cabot residence, whom may I ask is calling?"

"Uh...Hi this is Olivia Benson is Meredith available?"

"Of course Ms. Benson, one moment please."

"Hello Olivia I've been waiting for your call."

"Hello Meredith. I'm sorry I didn't call sooner things have been a little crazy lately. Um…about lunch I'm free all week so anytime would work."

"Great! How about tomorrow? You can come over around 10:30 and we can talk, and then maybe catch a late lunch. How's that sound?"

"…Sounds great I'll see you then. Bye"

"Bye."

Great...I have a lunch date with Mrs. Cabot, and Kathy up stairs waiting for me…this is gonna be one crazy week.


End file.
